Post by kingcobra on Jun 20, 2008 21:31:14 GMT -6
Cast of Characters:
Dr. Bozo - ship medic
Number 9 - first mate
Psychoanalytic - anatomically correct android therapist
Catwalker - space walk specialist
Snotty - ship engineer/navigator
Miss Katty Carlisle - Captain Quirk's mistress
Plot: A race to the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. The crew aboard the spaceship USS Win-a-prize is having an argument over the settings on the GPS navigation system.
On the bridge. Captain Quirk, seated in the captain's chair. Number 9 seated to his right and Dr. Bozo seated to his left. Snotty fiddling with controls on the console.
Captain Quirk: Snotty, you've been screwing around with those dials for over an hour now. Are we any nearer to getting our bearings again?
Snotty: If Catwalker had stayed outside the ship where she belongs, then maybe we would not be in this predicament.
Number 9: Quit being so hard on her just because she would not sleep with you last night.
Dr. Bozo: Alright, enough already. Snotty, how was the GPS navigation system calibrated before she walked around on the dials this morning?
Post by kingcobra on Jun 21, 2008 4:15:50 GMT -6
Snotty: It was set to navigate by triangulation of the Andromeda galaxy, the crab nebula and the pole star.
Captain Quirk: Maybe we should try another 3 reference points for the triangulation. Those idiots over on USS f*g**t Maggot are gaining on us at the rate of 3 light years per second.
Snotty: That's easily remedied, Captain. I can kick the wormhole over drive a notch higher, if necessary. I just need to fine tune a couple settings here.
Enter Catwalker stage left:
Catwalker: "Have you guys seen Katty Carlisle around anywhere?"
Number 9: "I saw her in the mess hall about 20 minutes ago. She was making out with Psychoanalytic in the most graphic display of human/machine affection I have ever seen."
Snotty, kicking the console: "Blasted old piece of crap. We should have upgraded before we started the race, like I told ya, Captain."
Number 9, glancing over at Catwalker: "Is this about the GPS calibrations or something else, Snotty?"
Snotty: Oh, go bugger your grandfather, you pompous over-decorated poor excuse for a first mate, why I outta...
Catwalker: Looks like you touched a nerve there Number 9. I'm heading over to the mess hall to get in on the action.
Catwalker exits stage right.
Snotty, pulling a large sledge hammer out of his toolbox: I'm just going to give this thing a tap.
Captain Quirk: Be gentle, will ya? That console cost me a pretty pence.
Post by kingcobra on Jun 21, 2008 5:30:28 GMT -6
Enter Psychoanalytic stage left, naked with 20 inch erection.
Snotty: Where have you been, and what have you been up to? Give me a hand here with these settings and lower that thing to half mast, will ya? We don't need you poking anyone in the eye with it.
Psychoanalytic: I have been in the mess hall entertaining Ms Carlisle. Which hand would you like me to give you, the right or left one?
Snotty: You can give me your middle hand, for all I care! Just take a look at these dials and tell me what I have that's not right!
Pscyhoanalytic: I will take a look after you have lowered your adrenalin level. I sense that our mission may be in jeopardy if you don't.
Snotty, pushing a button on a gadget strapped to his sleeve: OK, you overrated digi-shrink. Who wrote your software anyways, Blackbeard or that other pirate Billy the Geek?
Dr. Bozo: Please, the man's been in deep freeze for over three centuries, and it wasn't the worst president we ever had. They keep wanting to blame the African plague of 2012 on him, but I think he did the best he could under the circumstances. Besides that other guy, can't remember his name right how, his father served a term before he got elected - he had to have been THE worst of all time.
Snotty: Whatever. Ancient history I say.
Psychoanalytic, approaching console and reaching for a dial, giving it a slight turn: That should do it.
Snotty: OK then, problem solved. I think my trusty fine tuning device (pointing to sledge hammer lying on floor) would have worked just as well.
Number 9: What did you mean by our mission being in jeopardy, Psych?
Psychoanalytic: My human interaction algorithms have indicated an imbalance in the group synergy of the captain and crew of this vessel. The optimum course of action for me is to make the men feel inferior and the women more dominant for the next three days, hence the display of my male member in full regalia.
Number 9: Override code 42zyxabc. Become a woman.
Psychoanalytic, penis shrinking and becoming a vagina, breasts and hair growing quickly: I hate when you do that.
Number 9: Well, sometimes you have to learn the chain of command the hard way around here. You will accompany me to my quarters forthwith for some reprogramming of those human interaction algorithms of yours and to entertain me for a while.
Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2008 1:15:35 GMT -6
Act I Scene II
Number 9's quarters:
Enter number 9 and Psychoanalytic stage right.
Number 9: OK assume the position
P: Oh, knock it off already you old blow hard
Number 9: Watch out, or you'll be blowing really hard
P: Well, I never... Walks into a corner and faces the wall with arms folded
Number 9: When I told you to become a woman, I did not mean literally.
P: I am not talking to you.
Number 9: Fine. Have it your way [as he exits stage right].
Catwalker enters stage left.
C: Well, that was quick.
P: Not quick enough for me.